THE DREAM LEAGUE
Asian American / Open Basketball Leagues
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2005_ Winter/Spring NL (NYC) |
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Archives of Important Things That Don't Matter | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| IMPORTANT THINGS THAT DON’T MATTER (vol.2) By Mike Owh issue 4 b>Playing the Game the Right Way Recently, I had a few buddies from college visit me here in New York City and we had a wonderful time drinking beer, watching college basketball, and enjoying the nightlife. And in the midst of one especially great night, I couldn’t help but thinking that going out on the town in a lot like basketball. Have you ever noticed how a good night out with the boys is like a well-executed basketball game? In turn, a bad night is just like a ragged, sloppy basketball game. Well, my friends and I had a great night because we had a good game plan and we (at least most of us) executed our plays accordingly. The following is an analysis of our night. The Players When going out on a Saturday night, it helps to have a good-sized roster. If you’re keeping it mellow, two or three players are fine. But if you’re celebrating an occasion and are reuniting with some college buddies, that’s cause of a bigger night and a bigger roster. Five guys made the cut with some bench players coming into play later on in the night.
When putting together a team, remember to keep basketball truisms in mind. It never hurts to have size. As I always say, tall guys are like girls with ample bosoms. Jerry Hsieh (of Moe) and Y, both over six feet took care of that. It also helps when the big guys are super smart and successful. Jerry is headed to Harvard Business and Y is an MD/PhD candidate at UCLA, which is how he got his nickname, Doctor-Doctor. D is the resident long distance threat; the silent assassin, his quiet demeanor sometimes works, but sometimes just clangs off the rim. In any case, he doesn’t change his game and doesn’t mind watching from beyond the three-point line. It’s good to have a freelancer who impacts the game in a different way and is not afraid to go one-on-one, if necessary. C is definitely that type of player. And the point guard, the guy who opens up conversation and dishes out introductions; I guess that can be me. Uniforms Like many male yappies (young Asian professionals) with no imagination, the five of us were wearing long-sleeve button-up dress shirts. In order to impose our own individuality to the situation, each of us wore our sleeves differently. Jerry had the French cuffs with silver cuff-links, as homage to his banking roots. D had his rolled up to his elbows, evoking his West-coast upbringing and hip-hop influences. C had his sleeves flipped once in a casually flippant way, a testament to his easy-going personality. I had mine straight-up with the sleeve buttons undone, evidence of my lazy character. Y (a/k/a Doctor Doctor) had his the same way, which was not cool. Before we left the restaurant, Y had his buttoned. Oh, and the team name: Button-up Shirt Brigade. That’s right, BSB hitting the town silly, yo. (I can’t believe I just wrote that.)
Pre-game Meal Anytime you have a big game, you have to have a god pre-game meal. We had settled on Le Pere Pinard, a sweet French bistro in the LES, but they unexpectedly had a huge party reserved for that night. Did we let that bother us or panic? No way, we made our way instead to Supper. Denied there as well! Finally, I made an executive decision to eat at Max, an old standby with decent food and good portions. You gotta keep your players happy before the game. We ordered a mess of food and a couple of bottles of wine and we were set. The Plan(s) Our first stop was for predrinks at a bar in the East Village where we also caught the end of the UCLA game. The place was empty when we got there, but started filling up with some people around 11:00. By then, we had had enough of that vibe and the game was over so we headed over to Park on the Westside. Now the following story is exactly why you have to a back-up plan. We get to Park and for some odd reason, the place is packed and there’s a long line to get in. Don’t get me wrong here. I like Park. I think it’s a nice space with decent music, but it’s a few years old now, the place is massive, and, really, the food is terrible. I know that people don’t go to Park anymore to actually eat, but I thought I should point that out. The only reason it was Plan A for us that night was because of a birthday party.
The first sign of trouble came when I saw the line. The second sign of trouble came when I saw the girl with the clipboard. As anyone who goes out in NYC knows, the girl with clipboard is one of the most foreboding creatures in a bar/club scenario. She wields much power and is unreasonable to the point of viciousness. In fact, this one was worse because she had the classic furry coat and ubiquitous Burberry hat on her blonde, Eastern-European head. As group after group headed down the line, she imposed the “ratio-rationale” on them. In other words, if you didn’t have as many girls in your party as guys, you wouldn’t be able to go in. (I’ve always thought that this was a rather kind gesture by the GWC (girl with clipboard) to inform people that the place was full of guys and there were not enough women in the bar/club. In the past, it has always made me want to go somewhere else (if I had even stayed long enough to go into the line). Furthermore, the logic of this rationale for the bar owner is rather tortured since guys (in general) tend to spend more money buying drinks. But hey, who am I to tell anyone how to run a business?) We actually did have two girls with us because C, in his freelancing ways, called up a friend who he’s had his eyes on for a while and she brought a friend. Alas, we did not meet the strict ratio requirement of the GWC and were denied entrance. In moments like these, I always refer to Rule #2 (of Mike’s Rules of Life): “Don’t let anything stand in the way of the good time.” Therefore, I tried to implement Rule #17: “You can get in anywhere with anyone for $20.” Rule #17 has never failed me in any situation outside of Los Angeles, but while I was conversing with the male bouncer (who are always invariably cooler than GWCs), C’s self-righteousness and impatience surfaced and he exploded with a round of, “Come on, Mike, we don’t need this place! I’ll take my money somewhere else. This place is (expletives galore)!” That, of course, made me lose face in front of the bouncer and it was getting cold anyway so we decided to move onto Plan B. (Digression: In the line outside of Park, I ran into Ed Keung of Run B&C, who was hanging with a couple of his buddies. They were in front of me in line and they also got denied by the fearsome GWC. One of the cool bouncers told them to just find a group of girls to go inside with and so they got back in line behind us with a group of 8 girls who were cool enough to give them cover. However, Ed and friends underestimated the depths of GWC’s depravity. She recognized them right away and denied them entrance a second time even though they had a group of girls. Her reasoning was that they were not “really” with those girls. I guess the ratio rationale has a truth clause in it somewhere.)
Finally, The Game As I mentioned above, just like in basketball, if your first play doesn’t work, you have to have a backup plan. Luckily for us, the backup plan worked out better than we could have imagined. We had made plans to meet up with my Moe teammate, James Tai, and his friends at Opus 22. We ended up there where we did not get any guff from a much more attractive GWC. The place was packed and full of dancing people. We all walked in, found JT, and proceeded to create a comfortable space within which to hang out and chill. And since we had finally found a venue for the game, we watched as events unfolded like a perfect basketball game. The Assist Just like there are different ways of getting an assist in basketball (an assist is always a pass that leads to a made basket, but the made basket can come in many forms), there are different ways of assisting when you’re out with the guys. The most important assist is the buying of the drink. When we walked into the packed bar, we all walked straight ahead and said wassup to JT and friends. When we stopped to look around and assess the situation, we realized that we lost D. But 30 seconds later, we saw D come back with 5 drinks in hand (not an easy feat in a crowded bar), perfectly timed for our consumption. The Block
As I was making small talk with one of JT’s friends, K, he mentioned that the group of girls next to him were being mean to him. So being the point guard, I tried to create an opportunity for K. MO: Hi, I’m Mike. Girl: Hi, I’m ____. MO: So can I ask you a question? Why are you being mean to my friend? Girl: Why would we be mean to someone we don’t even know? MO: Good point. Would you like to meet my friend? Girl: No. (Hey, I said I was the point guard. I didn’t say I was a good one. Check out my stats for the season!) The Clear Out, Drive and Slam Dunk Y, a/k/a Doctor Doctor, is a tall, good looking guy, who doesn’t really go out much, but also isn’t a stranger to womanly affection either. But we were all astounded by the aggressiveness of one female patron towards Y that night. While I was trying to create for K (above), Y, D, and Jerry were busy just talking and catching up. Suddenly, somebody tapped Y on the shoulder and began to make conversation with him. D and Jerry automatically assessed the situation and quickly made a move away from Y and the girl. The clever clear out opened up the lane for Y to have a long chat and for the girl to give Y her card. The Box and One
After their initial conversation, it was obvious that the girl wanted more time with Y. She was hovering over to our group even though her friends were sitting at a table. So when I caught her walking by us the 14th time, I said to her, “you have to get Y to dance. He loves to dance, but he has no one to dance with.” (For the record, Y hates to dance and he was expressing his relief that their initial exchange had finally ended.) Defensive Play of the Game As I mentioned, C is a freelancer and he had called out one of his female friends to come out for the night. He didn’t want to work within the team offense and thought he could make a move on the friend, G. Unfortunately for C, G brought her friend, A, who is basically the female version of Bruce Bowen when it comes to going out. A never left G’s side and deflected any plays we could run to get C open. Y, Jerry, and I all took turns to talk to her and get her away from G so that C would have some one-on-one possibilities. I even broke Rule #42: “Never buy drinks for a girl who’s not your friend, girlfriend, or family member.” But even that couldn’t separate her from defending G. Note: I would have said that A was Tayshaun Prince or Andrei Kirilinko, but she had no offensive skills to speak of. Either that or she was sacrificing her offense for total defense. In any case, it worked.
Most Valuable Player Pizza and kebabs. Seriously, where would we be today if we didn’t have pizza and kebabs to eat at 4 a.m.?! After our night of revelry and comedy, the five of us regrouped and gobbled enough doner kebabs and sausage rolls to feed the North Korean army. While eating and drinking more beer at home, there was definitely some post-game analysis. Y was lauded for his game and poise while C was incessantly mocked for his inability to shake the defense. But the real winner was the group because there’s nothing like hanging with your buddies, laughing at each other, drinking together and making more memories. With work, school, girlfriends, wives, kids, etc., moments like these become less and less frequent. It’s only fair to relish and appreciate them when they do come. BSB forever! (I can’t believe I just wrote that again…) issue 3 Things to Ponder • March Madness!!! If the NCAA Tournament started in February, would they call it February Fever?
• Billy Packer - does anyone like him? His “analysis” is at times laced with underlying racism and purposefully hurtful to certain players that it’s ridiculous that he’s considered an expert. Then again, if he was on Fox News, he’d be their big-time anchor. • Bill Rafferty, on the other hand, is a genius. • Jim Nance = Creepy. • March Madness = Basketball Announcer Welfare System. • Favorite Player in the Tournament? Jordan Farmar!
• Who’s the best player in the country? J.J. Reddick? Adam Morrison? Nah, it’s Y2K! • NBA or NCAA? I’ll take the NBA any day of the week and twice when Kobe’s playing. • What am I looking forward to more: V for Vendetta or CAL v. NC State? Hmmm, Leon Powe or Natalie Portman? Ben Braun or the Wachowski Brothers? It’s a toss-up. • By the way, should governments really be afraid of its people? • Family Guy or The Simpsons? I’m old-school- Simpsons all the way. But Stewie might be the funniest TV character ever. Outside of Mr. Belvedere, that is.
• If Barry Bonds took steroids, who’s gonna win the Atlanta bracket? • And how come they stopped naming the brackets by geography? It was so much easier and more fun when we didn’t have to remember the names of the cities where the games were being held. • I saw the New Adventures of Old Christine on Monday. No, seriously, I did. • I like the Amazing Race, but why is there always only one black couple, one old couple, and no Asian people ever? Are we not into amazing, around-the-world races? Do they think that if we go through an Asian country, we’ll cheat or have an unfair advantage?
• NCAA Women’s Tournament or AVP Women’s Beach Volleyball? Is that even a fair question? • Five Reasons why I love Women’s Beach Volleyball: 1) Misty May 2) Kerri Walsh 3) Bikinis 4) Beach 5) Misty May and Kerri Walsh in Bikinis at the Beach • That was so sexist. • The Museum of Modern Art is the best museum in the City. Why? Just say it. “MOMA.” It just sounds awesome.
• Best snack for March Madness: Buffalo Wings. • Worst snack for March Madness: Buffalo Oysters. • Reddick or Shawn De Los Reyes? I’ll take Shawn with no reservations. • Morrison or Brian Yang? Yang for sure. Just kidding, I’m taking Morrison. • Who’s better, Ghee Unit or Air Force? Wow, I have to say Ghee Unit’s the real Air Force, flying high in the sky - did you catch that reverse alley-oop dunk by Edwin Ebonk last week? Sick. issue 2 Courtside Chats with Mike Owh… Liu, Actually “Be faithful to that which exists nowhere but in yourself- and thus make yourself indispensable.”
The words above, by Andre Gide, can be interpreted in a myriad of ways, but there is inarguably one way it applies to Dream League NYC’s own Andre - Andre Liu. With his dedication and hard work regarding all things Dream League, Liu has made himself indispensable to the day-to-day operations and health of the fledgling East Coast chapter. Like his famous namesakes, Liu has become a Giant (The, Andre) among men and a Rebel (Agassi, Andre) with long hair (we’re still waiting for the baldness and second stage brilliance). Therefore, as a tribute to his contributions to the League, we have decided to sit down with him and ask some incisive questions about the man behind the hair. We met at the famed Halo Pub, near Liu’s alma mater, Princeton, where we each had a sundae and soda like Amory Blaine of yesteryear. Here’s what transpired.
Mike Owh: Andre, you have been involved with DLNY from the beginning and your team, Tri-State InvAsian, is a staple around the Asian hoops circuit. Can you tell me what got you really into basketball? Andre Liu: Well, my college roommate and current business partner, whose entire family besides him went to Duke. Him, plus a fateful trip up to Providence one particular St. Patrick’s Day when I witnessed #16 Princeton almost take out #1 Georgetown. I still get chills when I think about that game. MO: Me too. That was March 17, 1989 and the Hoyas barely won, 50-49, if I remember. I get chills thinking about how I was 9 years old at the time. And I was pretty awesome when I was 9. I must have been 4-feet tall, but, man, I was a quick little bugger! I remember having this great Stussy cap and Quicksilver shirt I used to wear everyday. I was dope. Wait. You were in college at the time?! Damn, you’re old! Um… Ok, now that we know how you came to love basketball, tell us how long you’ve been playing the game. AL: Only since college. I was - I can’t believe I’m saying this publicly - big into table tennis my entire youth. I was ranked as a top junior, top 100 men, but my big claim to fame was my ex[-girlfriend], who was a three-time Olympic medalist in women’s singles.
MO: Wow. You were like the Andre Agassi of ping pong! You should have allowed yourself to grow complacent with your natural skills and fall out of the top 100, then shave your head and come back with a fury, maybe with Forrest Gump as your coach. Then you could have married the table tennis equivalent of Brooke Shields… who would that be? Maybe Phoebe Cates. You know, she lost some luster because Fast Times at Ridgemont High came out in 1982 and she hadn’t done much since kind of like how Brooke was relegated to being a sitcom star when she married Agassi, but Cates was never in the same fame-o-meter as Brooke. Although, I think she’s hotter. Anyways, you could have married her and made a big comeback and won a couple of tourneys and then fall out of love, become the older statesman of ping pong and then marry your ex-table tennis’ equivalent to Steffi Graf. You did it all backwards, man! And now you’re just chasing your basketball dreams. Oh well, I’m sure it was for the best. Let’s talk about your favorite player. Who is it and why?
AL: Get ready for an obscure answer, although it segues well from a previous question. It would have to be Kit Mueller, Princeton Class of 1991; our center who was a freshman in that Georgetown game. Listed at 6’7”, he was probably closer to 6’5”, and over his college career you never saw anyone school so many bigger guys with his low post moves; he drove Alonzo Mourning nuts with his patented baby hook. And could that guy ever pass the ball! I think he’s still one of the top assist men in school history as a center. As a high school senior he tore up his leg after stepping into a glass aquarium, which scared off all the recruiters…but the rest was history. He was all about maximizing his given abilities, and playing with his brain, like Coach [Pete] Carril preached, “The smart take from the strong.” MO: I thought that Princeton’s motto was “The rich take from the poor.” But in Latin. Guess I was wrong. So since your favorite player is this guy Mueller - by the way, who steps into a glass aquarium??? Aren’t you just supposed to look at those things? - is he the guy you modeled your game after?
AL: Well, I think defense first and take pride in being able to guard both the quicker guards off the dribble and the bigger guys in the post too. So who’s that? I don’t really know the NBA that well anymore. MO: Hmm… well, I guess the one guy I can think of who can do that is Ron Artest, but are you sure you want to be like him? I mean, I know that I saw you with “Tri-State InvAsian” shaved into your haircut, but I didn’t think it indicative of Ron-Ron disease. Let’s move away from crazy NBA players and talk a little about your own team. Give me a little history of Tri-State InvAsian. AL: The Tri-State InvAsian made its debut at the beginning of DLNY’s second season. We were three disparate groups of guys from NY, NJ and CT, brought together by the wonders of e-mail. There was a distinct Princeton bent to the original gathering, with three guys having graduated under the Pete Carril system and another Ivy League -sort of- guy in Swishy [Rassiwalla], who made his mark on the hardwood of The Palestra at Penn. Marshall Cho [out this season] was our main gun back then. In season #2 we added The Albatross [Rad Pavlovic] after we learned of the Arabic eligibility “loophole.” Season #3 brought Henry Park, our outside specialist, and after the implosion of the All-Stars, we picked up Justice- f/k/a Beast. And this year, amid much controversy, we added Vegas Dave Wong to our family. The stalwarts- guys from the team’s inception- are myself, Swishy and Felix Shen [now of Oh Holla!]. The name InvAsian was something I thought of, and it won out over such other entries such as “The Tri-State Long March” and our tribute to the two funniest shows on TV, “The South Park Family Guys.” Yes, that is a deliberate diss on The Simpsons. Our twin Chinese character mottos mean “Battle Formation” and “From a hundred paces the arrow pierces the willow leaf.” Um, my dad is a pretty famous Chinese writer, so…
MO: OK, stop bragging about your literary dad. We all know he’s the head writer for The Simpsons and, therefore, a big fan of Moe’s Tavern. When will you get over your parental issues, my friend? Let’s go on to a topic that’s sure to start team dissension. Who do you think is the best player on your team? AL: That’s impossible to answer, and I’m not trying to be diplomatic. I feel that our seven guys represent seven different pieces to a puzzle that we must put together in time- all equally important. I know this team has got all the necessary ingredients to be a frightening force. We’re just lacking cohesion which should come with time. I guess in pure physical presence, it’s gotta be Justice, I love watching the pure post aspect he brings to the game, and the better the big man competition, the better he plays. Rad’s the best defensive player in the league when he wants to be and Vegas and Swishy are just freaks when it comes to scoring. Magic Johnson once complimented Felix on his game, plus Henry’s the only guy who has college ball on his résumé [at University of Chicago] and you can see it in his perfect shooting stroke. So I guess I’m only safe in saying that it’s not me.
MO: Wow! Modesty from Andre?! I never thought I’d see the day… Just playing, big guy. Who do you think is the best team and best player in the Dream League? AL: I think Da Bien and The Cruisers are the best “teams,” if you define a bunch of guys who know how to play together in order to maximize their collective talents. Funkytown isn’t far behind. And as far as the best player is concerned, there’s been an influx of talent recently, with the likes of Brian Liang and Tony Hu. I’ll also mention that I witnessed CB Liu’s Human Torch impersonation in person, as a member of the DLNY team that upset the San Jose Ballers in Las Vegas. I’ve yet to see anyone this side of Kobe Bryant get as hot as that - just ask the Commish. But for me, it’s still Shawn De Los Reyes. That guy does more stuff to will his team to victory that doesn’t appear in the stat line than is seemingly possible. He’s the Big Intangible. MO: True that. I think if we polled the whole League, Shawn would be one or two on every ballot. Let’s get back to your own team. Who is the funniest player on the team? And I don’t mean funniest looking because I know Jiang’s got that one locked up. AL: Don’t have to think about that one, it’s Justice. Some of the stuff that comes out of him borders on disturbing, but trust me, on a long car ride you want Justice riding shotgun. I remember coming back from a tourney in Ramapo and he went on an hour-long monologue that ranged from women’s physiognomy to something about yams and marshmallows. It was so entertaining, I could have sworn I heard a sound that could have been Stan Yeung actually laughing. MO: Whoa, Stan was laughing? Are you sure it wasn’t just the illicit contraband you had in your car that day? If Jiang’s the funniest guy, then who’s the biggest eater on your squad?
AL: Rad can put down an entire gallon of ice cream and still weighs 170 soaking wet. On a related note, Justice sweats the most when he eats, MO: OK, from Jiang’s sweat to a question about the other kind of “game.” What a segue, huh? Who’s the ladies man of Tri-State? AL: That’s a slam dunk: Vegas Dave. You know all those girls that come to watch us play? They ain’t coming for me, let’s put it that way. And what happens in Vegas’ pants doesn’t necessarily stay in Vegas’ pants. MO: That’s really gross. Yet…oddly intriguing. I was wondering why you guys had a cheerleading section. Well, how about you? Does playing basketball help you with the ladies? AL: Does it help you? (Mike shakes his head sadly) Going to a gym filled with guys jacked up on testosterone and yelling at each other and the refs for 36 minutes? No my friend, the ladies are drawn more by my other attributes…my fabulous wealth, my extensive collection of rare art, and my mastery of the Tibetan Seven Knot Technique of lovemaking. MO: Dang! I need to hang with more Tibetans! Free Tibet so we can get our hands on more of these crazy techniques! So if you had to unleash your game and/or your game on one woman, who would it be?
AL: How about Ashley Judd? She’s a Kentucky hoops fan so I assume she knows how to play. I would spend the time finding out why a seemingly intelligent woman would choose to marry an Italian race car driver. MO: No offense, but only you would pick a perfectly hot woman and actually decide to play basketball with her and find out more information about her husband. Use your imagination, buddy! Anyways, I don’t know any woman who wouldn’t marry an Italian race car driver. Actually, I have a business card that says that I’m an Italian race car driver and women always dig it until they realize I don’t speak Italian. Of course, my ploy falls apart at that moment, but the point is that the line works. Let’s try to give you a tougher question. If you had to choose between playing your Dream League game, a date with Aishwarya Rai, and watching an NBA game with Michael Jordan, which would you choose?
AL: Mike, you gotta stop asking this question. First of all, Ash is gorgeous but at this point completely overrated; some of Swishy’s girlfriends are better looking than her. Secondly, it’s so obviously designed to humiliate the responder – you’re pegged as a satyr, a loser, or a star struck loser. OK, how about watching an NBA game with Aishwarya Rai in which the coach of the home team asks me to suit up for the final play and I do a “Michael Jordan on Craig Ehlo” last second shot? Then everyone spontaneously breaks out in coordinated singing and dancing, there are trained elephants in the background, and I’m courting Aishywarya through song and my sitar-playing skills but she’s being coy and not letting me kiss her? Vishnu curse me to hell, she keeps slipping out of my grasp…it’s maddening…why won’t she just stand still for a second and let me kiss her? MO: Uh, maybe because you’re playing a sitar. Anyone who’s anyone knows that chicks dig guys who play the Bansuri. Ok, let’s get back to basketball. Well, basketball and entertainment. In your opinion, what is the best basketball movie of all time? AL: Hoosiers. Period. MO: That’s a great pick. I would have also taken A Few Good Men and Teen Wolf. What is the funniest thing that has ever happened to you on the basketball court? AL: Well, it’s mostly been tragedy, not comedy, but I will say the funniest things often involve Swishy. Like when he threatened to kill Mo Ghumman, or when he tried to torpedo Shawn De Los Reyes, and once when he got shut down by niceness. I’m not kidding. He was lighting it up all over the place; when he gets hot he gets that look in his eyes and just feels like he’s gonna score every single time he touches the ball. I think he had 16 points in the first quarter, scored over his defender a couple more times in the second, and then the Swishy trashtalking inevitably began. After hitting another Swishyhook, he turns to this little dude and proclaims “You can’t stop me!” To which this poor guy replies “Yeah, you’re right. You’re too good for me.” He didn’t score another point the rest of the game. He said he felt so bad, he just didn’t have the heart to continue. Kept thinking about how he should apologize. Then afterwards, he gets all pissed cause he’s convinced the guy did it on purpose!
MO: Oh man, that’s just terrible. Which reminds me, have you seen the Commish’s performance in Saving Face?
AL: Um…I have the DVD. I was about to watch it when Justice sent me an internet ad for an Asian-American speed dating service which featured the Commish making goo-goo eyes at some girlie at close range, and I got really unnerved. So I haven’t quite gotten up the courage to watch it yet. But soon. MO: First of all, you have to get me that site so we can feature it here on the DLNY website. Secondly, it’s been a great day, but I’m almost done with my sundae and we’ve spent way too much time together today. Ashley Judd might get jealous. So here’s my last, most important question: If you were an animal, what animal would you be? AL: When Rad’s mom came to visit him from Afghanistan, she came to one of our YMCA games and watched us play. Afterwards, she told Rad that I reminded her of a mongoose, the way I kept running around trying to steal the ball. So a freakin’ mongoose, OK? Bet you never get that one again. issue 1 World Wonder I was reading the New York Times the other day and there was a story about how George W. Bush will be making his first trip to India this week and how he won’t have time to see the Taj Mahal. That got me thinking about toilets.
Let me explain. When I was in college, we had one big bathroom for our whole floor. It was like a regular public bathroom with multiple sinks and toilets and a few showers. The toilets on our floor were pretty awesome. Best flush I’ve ever experienced. You would literally have to hold on for dear life lest you get sucked in with your waste product. The doors also came down pretty far to the ground and went up real high to give you the best privacy. I think this was because the bathrooms were co-ed and the administration wanted to provide as much cover for the ladies as possible. And just like any public restroom, at the end of the row of thrones, there was an extra-large toilet stall for the disabled. We called it the Taj Mastall. My buddy, Charles, coined that term after a long visit to the Taj Mastall. He felt that the grandeur and size of the toilet was worthy of such a moniker. (In fact, Charles was- and is- a greater coiner of terms. He also came up with “spousal friction,” which refers to couples having a tough time, and “bonus bar,” the food at the end of the salad bar that was basically a creative amalgamation of the past night’s meal concocted by the dining staff in order to save money.) The greatest thing about the Taj Mastall is that you can see it, and use it, everywhere and anywhere. You go to a Knick’s game, there’s a Taj Mastall. You go to Disneyland, there’s a Taj Mastall. You go to work, there’s a Taj Mastall. Unless you go to my work, that is. I have an extra-small bathroom at work (at least on my side of the building) with two tightly packed urinals and only one toilet. The stall is a good size, but it’s not a Taj Mastall. You can’t stretch your legs out or do a tap dance. You can barely park your wheelchair, much less your Segway. You want to do some yoga before you relieve yourself? Forget about it. As far as I’m concerned, W can keep the Taj Mahal off his schedule. But if he really wants to have a good time, I hope he doesn’t skip the Taj Mastall. |
